10 things you want to say at the border but really shouldn’t

canadian-flag

“Do you have anything to declare?”

I get asked this question every time I return to Canada, and every time I have to stifle a giggle. This is mostly because I’m terribly immature. But seriously, every time I cross the border, I have to fight from making a silly comment that’s sure to send me straight into the loving arms of Canadian or American security personnel.

On our way home from Nashville this past weekend, Emily and I were laughing about the things we could say when asked this question. Here are a few of the answers we thought were pretty funny:

  1. “We had a wonderful time, thanks for asking!”
  2. “I’m a little gassy, sorry.”
  3. “Bankruptcy!”
  4. “Do you know they’ve got beer in their grocery stores?”
  5. “A monkey and a jetpack.”
  6. “I forgot my passport, can I just show it to you next time?”
  7. “I love lamp.”
  8. “The only things we bought were a bunch of Guns… [uncomfortably long pause] and Roses t-shirts.”
  9. “These aren’t my kids.” (See also, “These aren’t my parents.”)
  10. “Not really, do you?”

What about you? What are some ways you’ve always wanted to answer the declaration question at the border?

The original Christian hipster

The other day, my wife was picking our daughter up at her bus stop and, as she waited, she saw a lady pass by, dressed in a long green coat with a belt around the waist, wearing a hand-knitted toque, and a long multi-colored scarf, but she couldn’t get a look at her face. So, she was left with a troubling question:

Was she an old lady—or a hipster?

Hipsters, the über-hip group of 20-30 somethings who replaced the Emo phenomenon of the mid-2000s, can be identified easily: usually by their fashion sense, preferring vintage and thrift store inspired garb over the mass-produced consumer fashions from Walmart. (Also known as the opposite of me.)

They would resonate with Grandpa Gil from Trevin Wax’s Clear Winter Nights, who “sported a pair of glasses that looked remarkably en vogue—not because they were new but because he had worn them so long they’d come back into style.”

But, like any other fashion trend, they’re only riffing off of what’s come before.

The Christian hipsters are no different. They owe their fashion sense to several men from an earlier generation, but there’s one man in particular to whom they owe an enormous debt:

John-Piper-hands-up

And by the way, when Piper freestyles, he rarely loses confidence

You’re welcome.

My favorite #SuperBowl moments

Confession: I didn’t watch the Super Bowl last night. In fact, the last time I watched a Super Bowl was in 2005, I think. Clearly, I am not a sports fan. But even so, I did find a number of the tweets about the Super Bowl pretty hilarious. Here are a few of my favorites:

And a bonus Instagram from Jon Acuff:

7 signs you’re reading a book by a prosperity preacher

fortune-cookie

They’re big, bold and beautiful—or at least wearing beautifully tailored suits. Prosperity preachers, selling you the finest in positive attitudes, living your dreams and making every day a Friday.

Not too long ago, my wife was feeling a bit down, and a super-nice lady whose kids go to the same school as our daughter gave her some books to encourage her. Funnily enough, they all happened to be prosperity theology books (which has led to some entertaining and positive discussion around the house).

Every so often we all stumble into prosperity theology, usually unwittingly. While occasionally you’ll get a nugget of helpful truth (in the same way that you’ll find some helpful things in your average self-help book), there’s a lot of goofiness which can make for a fun night of “Joel Osteen or Fortune Cookie.” So, how do you know if you’re reading a book written by a prosperity preacher? Here are seven signs:

1. A bright shiny smile that looks like it belongs on a poster for a dentist office. For example:

The only exception? TD Jakes, but that’s only because he seems incapable of smiling in a photograph (although he does smirk).

2. The title makes it clear someone is really important—and that someone is you.

God is Not Mad at You, Reposition Yourself, Your Best Life Now, Become a Better You, It’s Your Time… I’m noticing a trend here. Someone’s a pretty big deal, and apparently that someone is me.

I feel so much better now.

3. It’s advice that could easily be confused with the message from a fortune cookie. Taste the highly processed encouragement:

“You may think there is a lot wrong with you, but there is also a lot right with you.”1

“Unhappiness does not come from the way things are, but from the difference between how things are and how we think they should be”2

“Never make a permanent decision about a temporary situation.”3

“Sometimes you can tell what something is by what is isn’t.”4

I have no idea what that last one even means.

4. There’s a proverb on the cover. Often something like Proverbs 10:22, “The blessing of the Lord makes rich, and he adds no sorrow with it”—but you’re not likely to find Proverbs 18:11, “A rich man’s wealth is his strong city, and like a high wall in his imagination.”

5. Someone’s caps lock got stuck. For example:

God has said to us, just as surely as He said to Isaac, “I WILL PERFORM in your life THE BLESSING of Abraham. I heal you! I prosper you! I create the conditions of Eden around you, and you will carry THE BLESSING to people everywhere you go!”5

I’m pretty sure Kenneth Copeland needs a new keyboard, he may have broken his in his excitement, what do you think? Also, what does that even mean?

6. It may or may not be trying to cast wicked spells. Remember, “It’s our faith that activates the power of God.”6

7. Seven is always the magic number. You can learn the seven steps to living your full potential, the seven keys to improving your life every day, and how to be happier seven days a week. Seven really is the magic number, isn’t it?

So there you have it. The seven signs you’re reading a book by a prosperity preacher. Wait—seven signs??

Three of the weirdest Christmas specials ever made

Yesterday I shared a few of the best and worst Christmas songs ever made (although noticeably absent was “Christmas Shoes”). But Christmas doesn’t bring out the weirdest of music—it makes TV even more peculiar than normal. There are so many to choose from that it’s hard to keep the list short. Nevertheless, here are three of the weirdest Christmas specials ever made:

He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special

Yep, you read that right. He-Man and She-Ra had a Christmas special. “Special” doesn’t quite explain this one:

Pee-wee’s Christmas Special

Yeah, I know. It’s Pee-wee Herman, so of course it’s going to be weird. But still:

And, of course, I’ve saved the best (or weirdest) for last:

The Star Wars Holiday Special

“Life Day,” wookies, Princess Leia singing, and Bea Arthur.

Yep.

This was so bad that even George Lucas (who has not yet disowned the prequel trilogy) has done all he can to make sure it never again sees the light of day. Try as he might, it’s still out there:

Anything you think should be added to this list? 

The Internet in 1993: "It's like human fellowship, only more precise."

Isn’t it amazing how technology has changed over the last 17 years?

Watching this archive footage from the CBC reminded me just how quickly things have progressed.

In 1993, people online were generally courteous. They used their real names.

And there were no watchbloggers.

Amazing.

It Makes Me Laugh: The Emergent T-Shirt

A pastor friend of mine, AJ Thomas, sent me this a few days ago. I got a kick out of it and thought you would too:

emergent-tshirt

The shirt reads:

God Said it.

I interpreted it
as best I could in light of all the filters imposed by my upbringing and culture which I try to control for but you can never do a perfect job.

That doesn’t exactly settle it
but it does give me enough of a platform to base my values and decisions on.

Thanks for the laugh, AJ!

Ripe for Co-opting

Today’s post contains no serious content. It does, however, contain rock music videos. Reader discretion is advised.

Have you ever noticed that there are certain songs that just seem ripe for co-opting? Songs that have something that sound vaguely spiritual—like they could be talking about God, but could just as easily be talking about a girl.

 

U2 is an obvious (and easy) example, particularly with their new record. Check this song out:

 

Now, in all fairness, Bono and the band do profess faith in Christ (true story), and many songs do have some pretty overt spiritual content. There are even a lot of churches that are already playing their stuff during their corporate worship (including some Anglican ones, I believe). But, it just seems, I don’t know, a bit weird to me. Maybe it’s just me.

While listening to the radio this week, I found that there are actually quite a few songs that, if you thought about it hard enough, you could probably co-opt for a Christian worship service.

And I was even more surprised when I realized that one is the newest Our Lady Peace single, All You Did Was Save My Life: [Read more...]

Apparently John Piper is Emo, too!

Discussing fashion in Everybody Hurts: An Essential Guide to Emo Culture, the authors describe the emo college professor look:

“Often sported by indie-emo types who have actually read John Fante novels, this particular emo fashion aesthetic [involves] wearing corduroy blazers with suede elbow patches and clunky glasses…”

john

If you’ve ever wondered how it is that Piper is able to connect so deeply with so many young people, perhaps it’s because he understands them far better than anyone could imagine.

Or, y’know, it could be his infectious passion for Jesus Christ.

I leave it to you to decide.