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Who will remove the stain of cognitive sexual self-abuse?

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sexual-self-abuse (1)

About 10 years ago, Emily and I went to see A History of Violence, David Cronenberg’s film based upon the 1997 graphic novel of the same name. We watched the film, more or less nonplussed1… and then we weren’t anymore. Why? Because we reached a turning point in the film, where the main character essentially raped his wife on the stairs of their home.

And we—all of us in the theater—were witnesses to it.

Everyone left that night, and no one spoke. Not a word. No one looked at the person they came with. Everyone had their heads down, walked out to their cars, and left.

We knew that what we had seen was not right. As we had watched this film, we had been violated.

Today, the much anticipated, and much spoken of, 50 Shades of Grey begins showing in theaters. Chances are, you’ve read all the articles about why you shouldn’t go to the movie, so I won’t repeat what others have said so well. Instead, what I will say is simply this:

This movie will, undoubtedly, break records. It will also, undoubtedly, shatter souls.

There will be men and women who will walk away from their movie-going experience violated. They may not be able to articulate it, but it will be there. Shame. Guilt. Pain. It will be written on their faces. It will be written on their hearts.

We will all, almost certainly, have someone in our lives who has chosen to see this. And what they will need from us in the days to come are not lectures about how wrong it is, or lamentations on the continued sexual decline of our culture, or sermon series with bad plays on the 50 Shades title, or any of that…

Instead they will need someone to talk to. They will need someone to help them process through what they’ve subjected themselves to. They will need compassion. They will need hope. They will need Christ, the only one who can remove the stain of this cognitive sexual self-abuse.

Lord, let us be up to the task.

  1. In the modern North American sense of the term, not its historic meaning. ↵

Why don’t they report it?

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26/365 - Such Shame

As more and more stories of women’s encounters with Canadian radio host/musician/producer Jian Ghomeshi have come to light (and sparked an investigation by police thanks to at least three women coming forward to file complaints), Emily and I have spent a great deal of time talking about this situation in specific, but assault in general. The other night, I asked:

Why aren’t more women reporting these types of crimes?

After thinking about it for quite a while, Emily gave her answer on the ride to church Sunday morning. She suggested that for some women, it’s a case of not thinking it counts. At least, not for them.

What Emily hit on right away is the lie sexual assault (and sexual predators) tells victims, A lie that says “this isn’t a big deal.” A lie that says:

  • It doesn’t “count” if it was (at least initially) consensual.
  • It doesn’t “count” if you were just being groomed.
  • It doesn’t “count” if you had one too many drinks.
  • It doesn’t “count” if you didn’t fight back.

And so, as the lie take root, victims pretend like nothing happened. Or that it wasn’t a big deal. Or that maybe they “deserved” whatever happened.

Predators continue to roam free, while their victims become trapped by their shame-induced silence.

I wonder how many women (and men, for that matter), would speak up if someone told them, “It counts”?

  • No matter how things started, it counts.
  • No matter how far things progressed, it counts.
  • No matter how much (or little) you drank, it counts.
  • No matter how much of a fight you put up, it counts.

“You did not ask for this. You should not be silenced. You are not worthless. You do not have to pretend like nothing happened. You are not damaged goods, forgotten or ignored by God, or ‘getting what you deserve.'” (Is It My Fault?, 21)

If we want victims to speak up, we need to help them see the truth. We need to help them see that when assault happens, it counts. Period.

photo credit: royalconstantinesociety via photopin cc

Book Review: Rid of My Disgrace by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb

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One in four. That’s the average of how many women in America have experienced some form of sexual assault.

One in six. That’s the average number of men have been sexually assaulted.

These are underestimates.

Sexual assault is a crime surrounded by misconceptions and confusion. Definitions are either too specific to sufficiently identify instances of assault or too vague to even be helpful. It’s a crime that robs victims of their dignity and their identity. And often, in our attempts to be helpful, we find ourselves at a loss; we don’t really know what to say or how to help victims of assault and abuse.

How can the stain of disgrace be removed?

Authors Justin and Lindsey Holcomb provide a compelling, thoughtful and hopeful answer in Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault, as they apply the gospel to this horrendous crime.

Dividing the book into three sections, “Disgrace,” “Grace Applied,” and “Grace Accomplished,” the authors handle the subject matter with great care. It’s evident that they’re not working from a theoretical perspective, but that this is hands-on, practical knowledge. In part one, they begin by providing a proper definition of sexual assault. They define it as follows:

Sexual assault is any type of sexual behavior or contact where consent is not freely given or obtained and is accomplished through force, intimidation, violence, coercion, manipulation, threat, deception, or abuse of authority. (p. 28)

“This definition,” they explain, “gets beyond our society’s narrow understanding of the issue and expands the spectrum of actions to be considered sexual assault.” (ibid) In fleshing out this definition, they also go to great pains to clear up a number of misconceptions:

  1. Sexual assault can be physical, verbal, or psychological
  2. Prior consent does not mean unlimited consent
  3. The perpetrators of sexual assault are more often than not educated, middle class, white men who know their victims
  4. While underreporting is a serious problem, false reporting is actually quite rare

Practically, this means that the myth of the mystery deviant jumping out of the bushes is just that: A myth. While things like this can happen, it’s more likely that a victim will be abused by a friend, family member, coworker or other acquaintance.

They also look to the effects of sexual assault. What was surprising to me was how varied the harmful emotional, psychological and physiological effects that can be. Some are: anxiety, OCD, panic attacks, eating disorders, gastrointestinal disturbance, hyper-arousal, various phobias, insomnia and other sleep disturbances, jumpiness… on and on the list goes (p. 39).

Further, the authors stress that it’s important to understand that acknowledgement does not equate or ensure automatic healing. Naming the sin committed is only the first step in healing.

In part two, “Grace Applied,” the Holcombs examine the implications of the gospel on the effects of sexual assault:
[Read more…]

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